Stevedar
by Artemis-and-Iris
Summary: Loosely based from Yugioh The Abridged Series. Marik can't find any more Steves in Egypt, so it may be time to call in a few favors. Set after the Battle City Tournament. Humourfic and I promise it's a lot better than it sounds. Tbc...
1. Prolouge

(Iris: Hey all. This is the first fic we've written properly together. For those who don't know, Artemis and Iris are Beautifully Chaotic, also known as Raura-chan, and Butterfly in a Hurricane.

Artemis: This story is loosely based from Yugioh The Abridged Series.

Iris: A wonderful little web-show which is the sole reason I got into Yugioh in the first place. Anyway, consider this a Christmas present, if you will.

Artemis: We don't own Yugioh. We asked Santa for it for Christmas, but no doubt we'll end up with coal, as per usual

Iris: Do we steal Little Kuriboh's jokes? Is Bakura completely insane? Both get the same answer. All credit, when due, to Little Kuriboh and the creators of Yugioh, the genii that they are…)

*****

Inky darkness filled the sky as bruised clouds rolled at an alarming rate. Stars hid themselves from the sight. Even they didn't what to pay witness to this. The air itself was strangely calm, in the same way the eye of a storm is oddly tranquil. Heavy silence dragged at the atmosphere. The air became suffocating and difficult to breathe. Something had to give in soon.

Lightning shot through the sky, tearing the world in two. Thunder roared an echoing cry amongst the timeless desert, containing the fathomless rage of entities beyond comprehension. The shrines remain untouched, paying homage to the gods they had outlived, or so they thought. Lightning streaked downwards.  
A pure white bolt of electricity cracked as it hit the ground. The  
unparalleled force of nature focused on a single point directed by the terrifying power of the Gods themselves.

Steve didn't stand a chance.

The cloaked figures held their collective breath as the clouds disappeared as quickly as they had come. Silence reigned supreme as a breeze picked up, sand already beginning to cover the corpse.

"Eww…" Marik's voice was the first to be heard, "his brain leaked  
right onto the new rug."

The Steves cringed. They all knew Marik could get rather protective of his furnishings. Something about finally getting the place looking the way he wanted it to after that baka bastard pharaoh blew it up on Christmas day. The Steves had worked tirelessly for weeks trying to get the scorch marks off the wall.

"That'll take weeks to get out." Marik glared at the corpse, as if  
somehow his anger would transform into some kind of energy that would hunt Steve down in the afterlife. He knew it wasn't going to happen but a man can dream, yes? "Okay people," he sighed "we're gonna need another Steve."

The Steves stopped once more. The moment of truth had come. Everyone inhaled and held their breath. I suppose they were rather lucky they were in ancient Egyptian ruins otherwise any glass panels would have been sucked in and shattered and apart from being incredibly dangerous and resulting in Marik getting the Steve Health and Safety Officer on his tail not to mention the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Steves, it would have cost more than the annual Steve picnic and that's saying something. He knew he shouldn't have let them have so much independent thought, it caused far too many problems.

This would be the worst news Marik got since he was told Pingu got cancelled. The Steve that had told him was found six days later hanging upside down in the sacrificial chamber being forced to watch non-stop episodes of the Teletubbies. Ever heard of the phrase 'don't shoot the messenger'?

Well, Marik hadn't.

Odion followed Marik back into his tent. Marik threw his rod down on to his camp bed.

"Honestly Odion," Marik said, checking his elaborate eyeliner and hair in the mirror, "sometimes I wonder why the hell I bother."

Marik picked up a brush, attempting to fix that one particular hair that wouldn't sit right. Odion nearly gagged when Marik finished off a tin of hairspray. His second today.

"Damn it Izishu," Marik swore, searching behind several boxes, "Where the hell have you hidden the straighteners this time?"

Odion couldn't hold it in any longer. "Master Marik," he deadpanned, "we have a situation."

"Not now Odion!" Marik's voice sounded muffled from underneath the bed. After a minute of struggling, Marik emerged, looking victorious. "Marik conquers all one again. That scheming sister of mine cannot hope to compete with me! Odion, get a Steve to start pedalling." In the corner stood an exercise bicycle connected to a generator. Old-fashionned, yes, but it was certainly the best way to get electric in a desert.

"That's the problem we're having, Master Marik."

"Hmm?" Marik said, peering into his ever present mirror.

"There are no more Steves."

"What?!" Marik gave Odion his full attention.

"There. Are. No. Steves. Left. In. Egypt." Odion tried to explain, calmly, rationally.

"WHAT?!"

There was no rationality in that voice whatsoever.

*****

**(Iris: There is a second chapter, which we hope to get posted soon. But, do you know what I want for Christmas?... Apart from Yugioh? Take a wild guess. :P.**

**Artemis and Iris: Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!)**


	2. With Yami and Yugi

**Iris: Hey people, guess who it is!**

**Artemis: Is there really much point in asking that? After all, our names are at the side and the top of the page.**

**Iris: Fair point.**

**Artemis: As promised, Chapter Two has arrived!**

**Iris: Yay! Before anyone asks, no, Santa didn't bring us Yu-gi-oh, or coal, suprisingly. So, no, we don't own Yu-gi-oh nor the Abridged Series, They belong to Kazuki Takahashi and Little Kuriboh respectively. We merely own the plot.**

**Artemis: And some awesome Christmas presents.**

**A(s)N: **_(Anything in italics and brackets, like this is additional. Putting them in made the story funnier, but not having them makes it flow better. Your choice, flow or humour. I know which one I'd pick...)_

**Furthermore, encase you haven't guessed yet, the Yami's have their own bodies.**

**Another AN/s: We don't in fact have anything against the gay community, we just think that Marik would... After all, have you seen how much puzzleshipping oneshots Iris has read??? Or check Artemis's separate profile. :P**

*******  
**

"Izishu," Marik said slowly, watching the sea waves as the boat skimmed over them, "Why exactly are we going to Domino?"

"Because shut up."

Marik decided to try a different approach. "Odion, I command you to tell me why the hell we're going to Domino again."

Odion shook his head slowly. It was Marik's idea after all.

"It's the biggest city nearby, Master Marik." Odion replied. Inwardly, his temper flared. It was the sixth time Marik had asked that question in the last hour.

"But that's where the Pharaoh's at. Why are we going anywhere near him?"

"Because, Marik, shut up."

"But why...?"

"They're the only people who know you actually exist and they might be able to help you. Now Marik," Ishizu smiled dangerously, "ask that question again and so help me, I will take that Sennen Rod of yours and stuff it so far up your backside so that the only thing you'll be able to send to the Shadow Realm will be tapeworms."

Izishu had always been one for creative threats.

Odion groaned almost silently. That was always closely followed with... 3, 2, 1...

"Odion, are we there yet?"

"No." If Odion's eyes had rolled any more, they would have got stuck.

"How much longer am I going to have to sit in this sorry excuse for a boat staring at nothing but bloody water?"

Odion glanced at the navigation screen. "Four hours, Master Marik." Damn it! How on earth was Odion supposed to stand another four hours of questioning? He'd been through two already and he was ready to push Marik overboard just to get him to shut up. He loved his little adopted brother, but by the gods there was a limit.

*****

Once in Domino, Marik realised that he didn't actually have a plan as to how to find the Steves he was looking for. So far, he'd been searching for over two hours and all he'd gotten was some very funny looks, a slap from some middle-aged lady _(Marik thought this was quite unfair, after all, he'd only asked if she was called Steve. When he complained about it, Izishu merely shook her head, sighed, and slapped him again saying, "Now both sides of your face match")_, a telling off from the police _(How was he supposed to know that it was a woman's toilet? The sign on the door was incredibly misleading. To him it looked like a picture of someone wearing a robe. How was he supposed to know it was a dress?)_ and a phone number from a guy Marik didn't like the look of.

Finally, giving into temptation, Marik demanded that Odion bring him the number of 'that baka-Pharaoh and his runt of a hikari.'

"Why?" Odion smiled slightly, knowing Marik would never want to admit that he needed help.

"Because I want to invite them round for tea." Marik said sarcastically, "Why the hell do you think, binky boy?"

*****

"Hey Yugi." Over the phone, Marik sounded completely different. Apparently the Pharaoh didn't have his own phone line yet. That went to prove just how baka he was.

"Marik?!" It sounded as if Yugi was in the middle of a concert, or a fight, or something similar.

"If you're in the middle of something, I'll just call you back later." _Please say you're busy, please say you're busy ._Marik prayed to every god he believed in, and several he didn't.

"We're at school." Yugi replied, "Of course I'm not. We're trying to teach Tristan how to duel." Yugi's voice lowered conspirtually, "Joey finally has someone he can beat."

" Gods, he must suck."

"Basic idea. So Marik, please, please tell me you have some vaguely evil plan to take over the world and you need me and Yami there to stop you."

Even Marik couldn't resist the pleading tone in Yugi's voice. "Sweet Ra! Is he really that bad?"

Yugi didn't bother replying. Instead, he held out the phone towards the table the 'duel' was going on at.

"I activate the spell card, Summon Barney."

"Honda, you can't make up your own spell cards." Anzu tried to explain calmly. Jou had lost his patience earlier.

"Why not?"

"Because that's Pegsaus' job! And this looks more like you than Barney anyway."

"Tea, I don't know how you can see anything in the scribble." Ryou interjected.

"Shut up, you albino cream puff" (Sorry, couldn't resist. Much as I love Ryou, I also love that insult.)

"See?" Yugi asked, bringing the phone back to his ear.

"Right," Marik said slowly, wondering why the runt would hang out with that bunch of complete idiots. He lived in a hole in the ground and even he could duel. "Is that kisame of a Pharaoh there?"

"Yeah," Marik nearly dropped the phone when Yami replied, "and don't think I didn't hear that."

"Okay Pharaoh, keep your damn crown on." Marik backtracked, "Oh sorry, you can't, you don't have one anymore."

"Tomb Keeper, I'm going to take that Sennen Rod of yours and shove it sooo far..."

Yugi took the mobile off him again before he could finish that threat.

"Yami, calm down." Yugi covered the speaker on the phone, an odd tone in his voice

"Sorry, aibou."

"Marik, what do you need?" Yugi asked quickly before Yami mind crushed the nearest sentient being.

"Both of you need to listen..."

*****

"So, why are we helping you again?"

Yami had to raise his voice over the sounds of the busy street.

"Because..." Marik quickly tried to think of an answer, "if you don't, the show's ratings will drop and they'll give your screen-time to Bakura and Ryou."

Yami and Yugi glanced at each other. They'd reached the same conclusion within spilt seconds of each other.

"We'll do it." they said simultaneously.

Marik decided to try and figure out which way around the map went.

"Besides, mou hitori no boko," Yugi quietly to his doppelganger, "you still owe him for blowing up his not-so-secret base."

"Shh..." Yami placed a finger on Yugi's lips "What he doesn't know can't hurt him." Yami replied, equally quietly and glad for the opportunity to get closer to Yugi. "Well, not much."

"Didn't you guys bring Anzu?" he asked, surprised to see that the Pharaoh's little cheerleader wasn't with them, "She's supposed to be good at this whole 'meeting new people' thing."

"Oh, we ditched her at the first DDR machine we came across." Yami shrugged, "Did you really want to listen to friendship speeches all day?"

"Where was it?"

"No idea."

*****

Deciding to retrace their steps, Marik, Yami and Yugi followed the route they'd taken. It wasn't long before they came across Anzu, in the middle of a brawl. Apparently bikers don't like friendship rants and incessant cheering...

Yugi poked his head from behind the wall they'd taken refuge behind. Yami and Marik followed suit.

The heads where hastily withdrawn as a rather large 5 inch dagger thudded into the wall, barely 3 centimetres from the space Yugi's head had previously occupied. Yami physically pulled his aibou off the ground and flipped him before slamming him into the wall again.

"Sorry" he murmured apologetically, catching his breath and assessing the damage he'd caused.

"Hey!" Marik complained, "Why didn't you pull me back?!"

He was promptly ignored. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Of course, mou hitori no boku. It's just a bump." Yugi rubbed at the spot on the back of his head with a bright smile.

"But still..."

Marik noted Yami's protective stance. His mind recalled how Yami had practically caught the midget when he stumbled earlier in the street, how the pair seemed to be getting constantly closer as the day moved on. How Yami seemed to treat his hikari like he was made of porcelain, almost as if Yugi was a child, or even a...

Realisation dawned... slowly... very slowly.

"Ewh..." Marik's voice cut through Yami's fussing. "If you've gotta be a fag, don't make it so bloody obvious."

Marik continued yapping, providing an unwanted commentary on the brawl. "Now they're trying to gouge her eyes out." Yugi winced and buried his head in Yami's arm.

Yami made a quick mental note to send Marik to the Shadow Realm as soon as Yugi couldn't see.

"Well," Marik continued, oblivious to Yami's plans, "we don't need that Disney-obsessed, friendship loving, whore-gestive of a stalker. We can do this on our own, right?"

The response was less than enthusiastic. That is, if you could call it a response at all. Amethyst eyes met ruby, drawing closer, and closer. Yugi reached up and draped his arms around Yami's neck as Yami's hands found their way to the younger's waist. Yugi pulled the taller downwards and tilted his head to the side, his eyes half-closed. Their lips mere millimetres apart...

Marik pushed the pair apart rather quickly. "Steves first," he stated, "gay-boy, puke worthy making out later."

Yami shot the other Egyptian a death glare. Perhaps Yugi wouldn't have to be out of sight after all, Maybe a blindfold would do.

Yami recalled the last time he sent someone to the Shadow Realm. It was two weeks ago, a guy two years above Yugi in Domino High who had been looking at _his _aibou in entirely the wrong way. Ra, that guy could scream.

Yami glanced back at Yugi again.

Maybe a pair of earplugs too...

*****

"Yugi..." Marik started, staring at the new object, "I think I speak for me and the Pharaoh here when I ask 'What the hell is that?' I mean, is it some kind of weapon? I imagine you could certainly split quite a few skulls with it, and dropped from a height..."

Yugi heaved a sigh. Why he and Yami had agreed to this was beyond him. He thought back to Honda's duelling 'skills' and shuddered internally. _That_ was why.

"This is what's known as a phonebook ." The 3 inch book lay on the kitchen table of the Game shop. Thankfully, Grandpa had gone over to Duke's store, so they had the house to themselves. Marik's face was a picture of confusion and Yami's didn't look much better. "This book has the name and address of almost everyone in Domino."

Marik tried to pick the book up and found it to be surprisingly difficult. "It's heavy!" he exclaimed. How the hell did the shrimp make it look so easy?

"There are a lot of people in Domino, Tomb Keeper." Yami replied, feeling rather superior to the other, rather backward, Egyptian.

"But this many?" Marik opened the 'phonebook', "Geez, the writings tiny."

Something about the Tomb Keeper got on Yami's nerves in a way no-one else could. The man made his skin tingle, and certainly not in a good way. Not the way a certain tri-coloured, star-haired...

"Yes this many."

"Can't we go and kill some?" Marik whined, "That way, there'd be a lot less of them."

"Marik!" Yami's temper flared, "Do you want aibou's help or not?"

"Did you just call you hikari 'aibou'?" Marik smirked, "Awh, Pharaoh, I didn't know you where such a touchy-feely, sentimental..."

Yugi's eyes widened, alarm bells ringing in his head. "Marik, you really should stop now," he warned. Needless to say, the blonde-haired maniac didn't hear him. Marik was too busy describing the former spirit of the Sennen Puzzle as colourfully as his vocabulary would allow.

"... poofter. I didn't think you'd bat for the other team, Your Oh-So-Mightily-Camp Pharoahness, but I guess I should have figured with all that S + M gear you dress yourself in. Are you the seme or..."

"Marik," Yami said slowly, his voice sounding oddly curious while picking up a knife Yugi had carelessly left lying nearby after cutting cake for the three of them earlier. "How do you think your intestines would look as streamers?"

Yugi was already on his feet. After disarming Yami and placing the knife somewhere Marik couldn't easily get at, Yugi pushed his darker half out of the kitchen door, into the hallway and closed the door, ramming a chair in under the handlebar. After a few seconds thought, he locked the back door as well. He wouldn't put it past his Yami to run the full way around the block and the last thing he needed was someone messing up the floor again. He'd only just got it clean after Jou and Honda's 'food-fight' closely followed by Bakura's visit last week. Like hell was he going to clean it again.

Five minutes past quickly, in which Yugi taught Marik how to use a phonebook, and later, after a minor incident involving the Sennen Rod and a telecommunications operator, a telephone as well.

It all seemed to be going rather well until a call came from the living room.

"Yugi..." Yami didn't sound confident and collected as normal, "Are there supposed to be small, white stars when you turned the TV on?"

"That's when you change the channel, Yami."

"Even if they're landing on the sofa?"

Yugi swore explosively. Marik's jaw dropped. The runt could swear? What was next, the Pharaoh robbing a bank?

"Damn it! Marik, I'm going to have to leave you alone here. Do you think you've got the hang of it?"

"Of course". Marik gave the Pharaoh's hikari the sweetest smile he could muster, and failed miserably.

"Good. Now I'm gonna have to find some kind of way to stop this house from going up in flames." Yugi quickly found a jug, filled it with water and hurried out of the room. After cursing at the door and kicking the chair out of the road.

"Right..." Marik said, quickly flipping open the page on the phonebook.

*****

Marik stared at the paper... then stared some more. He sighed, turning his attention to the window, then let his gaze drift back to the book. Then, there was a lightbulb.

In a single, illuminating flash, Marik discovered the tiny, practically insignificant flaw with Yugi's masterplan.

Very simply, Marik couldn't read Japanese. Especially these weird little symbols.

"Yugi!" Marik shouted into the Living room. "We have a bit of a problem! How the hell am I supposed to read this chicken-scratch?!"

Marik received no reply, so he tried again in a much more colourful way. At least if Yugi didn't hear him, that Pharaoh-baka would and possible come in to pulverise him. Then he would have a good excuse to blow something up.

Once again, there wasn't a reply, and no angry tri-coloured faggot coming to wipe him off the face of the Earth. Marik decided to investigate matters further.

Slamming the phonebook shut, Marik stamped over to the door and flung it open before marching into the living room.

"OH MY DEAR SWEET HOLY RA!" Marik stopped dead in the doorway before beating a hasty retreat back into the relatively safe confines of the kitchen. Marik rapidly searched through the cupboards for bleach. Yugi came into the room, looking more than slightly dishevelled.

"Marik, what are you doing?"

Marik put his hands over his eyes. "Are you actually _wearing _clothes now?" he asked, sounding terrified.

Yami's deep voice sounded across the room as it's owner leaned, half-dressed, against the doorframe. "What's this? Shadow Games aren't a problem, sending souls to the Shadow Realm don't bother you in the slightest, but one little..."

"La la la la la la la!" Marik covered his ears and squeezed his eyes shut again.

"Well, you asked if I was the seme, now you know. Don't let it ever be said that I don't enlighten those around me."

"I DIDN'T WANT TO BLOODY WELL KNOW! STUFF YOUR FUCKING ENLIGHTENMENT! IF YOU CAN'T STAY OUT OF YOUR DAMN HIKARI LONG ENOUGH TO LET HIM HELP WELL..."

Yami smirked, "well..."

Marik breathed deeply, "At least get a fucking room."

"We had one until you came bursting in." Yugi interrupted. Yami's features lit with a cruel smile.

"So aibou, where were we?" The predatory gleam in Yami's eyes was enough to send shivers down his hikari's spine. Marik seemed rooted to the spot.

"Do you want to watch?" Yami offered.

"I'm going!!!" Marik shouted, running through the back door. He predicted he'd need several years of therapy to get rid of _those _mental images.

In summary, option one = a massive FAIL.

*****

**(Iris: Guess what peoples??? It's Artemis' birthday. *starts singing as coloured paper falls* Thanks to everyone who reviewed. We hope this doesn't disappoint you guys.**

**Artemis: *looking around* You set this up?**

**Iris: Yup**

**Artemis: You can't even organise to get your homework in on time.**

**Iris: *hastily pays people behind her back and ushers them out of the room* I know. Strange, isn't it?)**

**In response to the question from Eri-chan, no, LK hasn't done an episode where Marik runs out of Steves, but hey, wouldn't it be funny if he did? :D  
**


	3. Asking Bakura for help Not a good idea

**Iris: Hello people! *mad manic eyes* I has hot chocolates. Num num num**

**Artemis: Well this took forever to write mainly because I was in charge of it *grins* **

**Iris: Writers block doesn't help either. **

**Artemis: Or extensive revision.**

**Iris: I suppose four A's would need a lot of work. Dang, that means this is my fault... **

**Artemis: So sorry if this chapter isn't up to the usual standard (I hear some people asking 'what standard?') but we both tried very hard to get it finished because we both have a new school year to prep for and we wanted to get this posted as soon as possible so ... Anyway on with the story, enjoy.**

**(Add note: I believe they're the voices in her head. No worries folks, it's normal. x Iris)**

Bakura glanced around him quickly to make sure nobody in the immediate area was looking at him suspiciously. Adjusting his disguise Bakura continued to look around him. The street was unusually quiet today, this wasn't good. If it kept going like this he may be forced to come up with a 'distraction' to make himself less noticeable. Fortunately for him Fate was being kind to him today and provided for him a distraction. It came in the form of one Marik Sebastian Ishtar. Perhaps Fate wasn't being so kind to him today after all...

"MY EYES! THEY BURN! STOP THEM FROM BURNING! IS THIS HOW PEOPLE FEEL AFTER HUGS?"

Bakura glanced up sharply at the sound and looked around for the source of all the noise. That loud obnoxious voice could only belong to one very deranged person. Spying the source of the sound he watched in amusement as Marik came running down the footpath and then, without looking, ran across the road. Then he got run over. Bakura swiftly concluded that it wasn't fatal judging by how fast Marik was on his feet again and the awful screaming resumed. Marik glanced over in Bakura's direction and Bakura idly wondered how Marik got his hair to sit like that.

"HELP ME KITTY CAT!" Marik screamed charging towards Bakura. Bakura wondered if he would have time to hide or if he should just dive out of the way. Bakura realised he would need to learn to think faster as Marik tackle hugged him to the ground. Bakura felt vaguely disturbed as he realised Marik was nuzzling him, rather like the way a cat would.

"Who's a good Kitty Cat, now help Marik find some mind bleach."

_Great, he's finally snapped_ Bakura thought.

Heaving himself upwards Bakura flipped Marik over before grasping his hands and pinning them above his head.

"Marik what the hell do you think you're doing?" Bakura snapped.

Marik stopped screeching for a split second, then resumed louder than ever. Those disturbing memories hadn't been repressed _quite_ yet. Weren't they supposed to be two halves of the one soul or some mystic airy-fairy bullcrap like that? Then, technically, wasn't that narcissism? Yugi was just plain sick.

_But he wasn't the one that started it, was he? _One of the many voices in Marik's head decided to voice it's opinion.

_How can you like one so much, but hate the other when they're both the same? _Another asked curiously.

_Aren't they too halves of the one soul? Aren't they both the same?_

_SHUT THE HELL UP! (This will be explained later) _

Bakura wondered why Marik was screaming, if he could shut him up for long enough then maybe he would get some answers.

"Marik will you please shut up," Bakura growled staring at the platinum blonde.

Two minutes thirty five seconds and twenty four milliseconds later and Marik was still screaming so Bakura did the only thing he could think of to get him to shut up. One bitch slap later and Marik had finally stopped screaming. After a further two minutes or so Marik was beginning to move again and shows signs of life while Bakura massaged his hand, trying to working feeling back into it. Then he finally spoke.

"Wait a minute; you're not a kitty cat!" Marik said accusingly. Bakura slapped his face with his palm. What did he do to deserve this?

"Bakura…" Marik trailed off sounding uncertain, "why are you wearing cat ears?" Bakura grinned smugly.

"It's all part of my master disguise," Bakura said proudly. Marik raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow in confusion.

"Disguise?" He sounded rather doubtful of Bakura's idea of a disguise, "how does wearing a pair of cat ears constitute a disguise?"

"Well with my pre-existing bishiness, all I had to do was add a pair of cat ears and hey presto, instant cosplayer!"

"Right…so…why do you need a disguise anyway?" By now Marik had discovered that the footpath was actually surprisingly comfortable. He decided it was a good thing seeing as Bakura didn't look like he was going to let him go any time soon.

"Well put it this way that jewellers over there has some expensive looking necklaces and sparkly things if you know what I mean," Bakura told him. Marik just continued to look at him blankly. Bakura felt that this occasion was worthy of another face palm.

"I'm going to rob it you baka, so if you hear anything about a robbery you didn't see me here ok? Now care to explain what all that girly screaming was about?" Bakura winced as Marik started screaming again about how his eyes burnt.

'_Well at least I won't have any problems with him having seen anything_' Bakura thought sarcastically.

A further two minutes later and with the promise of several bottles of extra strong mind bleach Marik finally seemed to be back to his slightly snapped self.

"Fluffy, why do I feel like I've been hit by a car?" Marik questioned Bakura. Bakura grinned in response, he had no idea.

"Sooo, you going to let me get off the ground anytime soon Bakura? I mean I know you've dreamed about having me in this position for ages but really, in public?"

"What the hell are you talking about…" Bakura trailed off as he realised he still had Marik pinned down to the ground in a rather compromising position. Bakura jumped off Marik as if he'd been burned. Marik grinned, that was an interesting weakness he'd have to remember for future blackmail, no wait friendly conversation. Maybe he could use this newly discovered fact to 'persuade' Bakura to help him track down his new army of Steves. After all Bakura had once had an army of thieves although most of them had buggered off when they seen how angry Atemu was over the violation of his father's tomb...chicken shits. Honestly was it so hard to find loyal servants who didn't need to be shown the 'benefits' of agreeing to help. Such as remaining alive long enough to collect their pay-check.

Although if he wanted Bakura's help he'd have to tell him about 'The Incident' or else Bakura would refuse point blanc.

"So Bakura tell me, have you got a graphic imagination?" Bakura looked unsure of how to answer that question, so Marik just ploughed on, "if you do I have a wondrous story of what happened to me earlier that is bound to induce some lovely mental scarring."

"Do I want to know?" Bakura asked.

"Probably not but I'm going to tell you anyway so that I have at least got one kindred spirit who has gone through the same mental anguish as me." Thus Marik began his epic monologue. Unfortunately 4Kids got their hands on this scene and decided to intervene for the sake of people's sanity...

When Marik finished his soul moving chronicle which would have had even the most hard hearted git in the world moved to tears Bakura turned slowly to face Marik.

"Is that fucking it?" Bakura didn't look impressed, "You screamed like the biggest pansy in the universe, which admittedly you are, over that?"

"It was more scary if you were actually there and seen it," Marik sniffed pathetically.

"Get over it and yourself while you're at it."

"Bastard."

"Thank you, I try very hard to be so," Bakura smirked. It was official Marik decided, Bakura didn't have a heart.

"?" Marik spoke in a rush hoping that Bakura would agree before realising what he had let himself in for. Unfortunately fate wasn't smiling down on Marik today, more like frowning.

"Marik go fuck yourself, or if you can't go get Odion to do it. Ra knows he's far enough up your ass as it is anyway..."

Bakura barely had time to register the hand bag flying towards his handsome face, backed by all the brute force the tomb-keeper could muster. Which wasn't a lot judging by the fact that Bakura survived.

Marik quickly re-evaluated the situation, clearly he needed something with a little more weight behind it to inflict serious damage on Bakura. Whipping out his Sennen Rod Marik resumed his violence spree against Bakura, he was determined to at least inflict Actual Bodily Harm on Bakura before his wrath would be satisfied.

"Damn it Ishtar stop beating me up with your sex toy! I'm not gonna help you no matter how many bruises you inflict upon me. "

Damn it. Foiled again.

"Please..." Marik unveiled his ultimate weapon, The Puppy Dog Eyes Of Doom.

"No."

Fuck. Of all the people on Earth who were immune to his Puppy Dog Eyes Of Doom Bakura just _had_ to be one of them. It was time now for his last ditch attempt. His final resort. Turning his back to Bakura Marik looked through his hand bag until he found what he was looking for. His Max Factor Ultra Lift mascara and his Max Factor Silk Gloss lip gloss in the colour Cinnamon Glow. Pulling out a mirror he checked his foundation and blusher. Flawless, as usual. Putting the required elements on his face he grimaced at the thought of what he was about to do as certain recent traumatic memories surface. Duty calls he thought.

He turned around to face Bakura, giving him his best girly look (ie his normal expression) and asked in a sickeningly sweet voice, "Fluffy...are you sure you don't want to help little old me?" He batted his eye lashes in what he hoped was an alluring manner.

"Marik, have you got something stuck in your eye?"

Whoops, not so alluring then. Or maybe Bakura's mind was blocking the makeup out, purely out of self-preservation. Or maybe he just never got propositioned. He supposed that after 5,000 years you would forget how flirting worked.

Marik was reminded of a saying he had heard Ishizu use once. Carpe diem. Seize the day...preferably by the throat. He may as well; he didn't have anything else left to lose. He'd lost his dignity a long time ago.

"I don't know, why don't you check?" Marik attempted to flirt with Bakura and edged not so subtly closer to the albino. Bakura promptly shuffled in the opposite direction. Something hard pressed up against his back.

'_Oh bugger'_ he mentally cringed_, 'I really hope that for the sake of my remaining sanity that isn't a wall behind me.' _

Marik advanced towards Bakura, a wolf-like smile on his makeup covered features as he watched the former thief beginning to panic. It really was a pity the thief wasn't his type, otherwise he'd be enjoying this scenario an awful lot more. True, the Thief King had the looks and the evil tendencies, but he wasn't nearly flipped enough. It was a real shame that Yami changed so much after that elimination tournament with Kaiba, he would have been the perfect aibou*, that wonderfully evil streak that was so rare in people these days, those blood red eyes… Damn you fate, damn you. He was too busy with his damn hikari of his now. If only there was something he could do about that...oh well he'd sort that out later. For now, back to business.

"Oh Fluffy, don't be shy, it's not as if the fangirls are complaining," Marik gestured to the apparently apparted-from-nowhere-hoard of one thousand plus fangirls…Bakura lost count after five hundred.

_Amazing. Like wolves to blood, the rabid creatures. _Bakura turned his attention to the slightly more pressing matter of Marik pressing him against a wall. He was vaguely aware of the sound of fangirls squealing and cameras flashing. Bakura could feel his panic rising sharply. He also noticed, using his very limited knowledge of maths that the magnitude of his own panic seemed to be directly proportional to the amount of fangirls arriving every second.

Bakura looked around hastily, trying to find an escape route, but he felt his heart grow heavy with despair. Everywhere he looked all he could see was the sea of fangirls. He could also see Marik smirking at him. Bloody blonde git. He'd have to extract his revenge at a later date, maybe when he was surrounded by rabid fangirls. Bakura swore he could see drool running down some of their faces.

"Marik what will it take for you to get them to go away?" Marik mocked looking thoughtful. He loved annoying Bakura, and watching the albino get twitchy under the intense stares of the fangirls was more than a little amusing.

"Well…" Marik drew the word out as much as he could watching the twitch above Bakura's eye become more pronounced.

"Yes Marik, just spit it out," Bakura growled through clenched teeth.

"If you help me find a way to locate Steves then I will get rid of the fangirls," Marik tried his best to look sincere. He was finding it rather hard.

"Ok fine, I'll help you find your stupid Steves," Bakura sighed, "Now get rid of them please!"

"Allow me, I'll use my super special awesome fangirl distraction technique, " Marik grinned like the lunatic he was.

"Marik that's Yugi's catchphrase," Bakura deadpanned.

"Shut up Fluffy, do you want me to get rid of them or not?" Bakura hastily nodded.

"Alright girls," Marik turned to face the crowd of fangirls, "who wants some doujinshi?" Marik held said doujinshi above his head and waved it about a bit. Immediately there was a loud squeal from all the fangirls and a rather terrified looking Marik tossed the doujinshi into the crowd.

"What good does that do?" Bakura looked confused and slightly scared at the escalating levels of violence.

"It'll distract them while we escape, they'll fight over it; now move that oh-so-gorgeous ass of yours before it gets trampled on by a stampede of fangirls."

Bakura decided that for once he would heed Marik's advice. He turned tail and fled, not bothering to wait to see if Marik was following him.

"Marik..." Bakura asked a few hours later, "out of interest, what was that doujinshi you threw at them girls?"

Marik shrugged, "No idea. It said 'Thiefshipping' on the cover, but I was too scared to open it."

He didn't recognise the pairing, and breathed a sigh of relief. Bakura prepared to launch into a tirade about how big a pansy Marik was when his inner eye considered how he would have reacted. Fair dues...

"Well..." Bakura hesitated, honestly considering if he really wanted an answer. "What were you doing with that stuff anyway?"

"I-i-i-i" Marik stuttered "-it's Izushu's." He looked rather happy with himself.

Somehow, Bakura doubted it.

Marik cast his glance around, looking for something to change the subject. He struck gold. Not literally, because that would have hurt. Soft metal or not, gold tends to pack quite a punch.

"Bakura, what's that?" Marik asked, pointing at the multicoloured obscenity that stood at the roadside. If it wasn't for the fact he could still see it, Marik would have sworn he'd gone blind.

"That, my dear Tomb Keeper, is your ticket to a new army."

"It's..."

"Big, eye-catching, attention-grabbing, ingenious and bloody brilliant?"

"Gay" Marik launched into his tirade, "Seriously Bakura. It looks like the protest vehicle for gay rights. What did you do? Drive through a paint factory while it was blowing up?"

"Pretty much," Bakura said lowly before brightening up, "but still, it can go from 0 to 60 in 6 seconds."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Good getaway vehicle."

"Bakura, it's MULTICOLOURED! Who's gonna try and get away for anything in a van as noticeable as that thing?"

A brunette with a pair of dark sunglasses and a white waistcoat pushed in between them in a hurry.

"You can hardly expect me to get into that awful thing, can you? It's got no class or style."

"It's got plenty of class" Bakura retaliated, stroking the bodywork fondly.

"Yeah, lower class."

Bakura physically lifted Marik into the air and all but launched him into the back of the van.

"No-one insults the van and gets away with it. Now, shut up before I duct tape your mouth and chain you to the wall."

The last thing Bakura heard before the van doors slammed with a sense of finality sounded something along the lines of... "Kinky bastard". Of course, it could have been a variety of other things, but again, somehow, he doubted it.

Alternatively, the voices in his head could be conspiring against him. He really hoped so. After all, the last time was a lot of fun...

Two hours later... four bottles of vodka, a few shop windows, three water hydrants, six sets of traffic lights (yes, the pair, Bakura decided to reverse to 'leave it even') two cyclists (they survived, the bikes weren't so lucky), one near miss with a lorry (Marik screamed like the girl Bakura knew he was, Bakura screamed like the gay he always claimed to be) and a brilliant car chase provided Domino's finest equipped with three cars, a helicopter and an awful lot of bullets. Getting rid of them involved a lot of handbrake turns, a washing line, a secluded alley, Bakura cross-dressing in a miniskirt, fishnet tights, and a pair of 'killer heels' compliments of Marik. He said he stole them from Ishizu... Somehow, Bakura didn't believe him.

They disembarked with caution. Marik blinked the spots from his eyes as he came face to face with a gruff police captain.

"What the hell is going on here!" he demanded of the disorientated Egyptian.

Bakura appeared behind Marik, smiling brightly. "Hi there." Bakura twirled a bit of hair around his finger, "Lovely evening for a relaxing drive, isn't it?"

The captain had to consciously keep his mouth firmly shut. That was a _relaxing_ drive?

"I was just showing my dear old... mother here the sights of Domino." Bakura leaned in, whispering to the officer, "She just flew in from Egypt and doesn't speak a word of English(/Japanese/whatever). Not that she was a brightest gem in the Pharaoh's treasure to start with. Too much sun, if you catch my drift."

"Give me a second and I'll explain what's happening to her. She gets confused easily."

"Screw this up," Bakura said to the Tomb Keeper in Arabic, "and I swear to the high gods I'll remove the only part of your anatomy which marks you out as a male."

"Do I really look like fifty-year-old menopausal women to you?" Marik hissed in response, ignoring the blatant threat to his already nearly non-existent masculinity. He would get Bakura back for that one later.

"Do you really want me to answer that question?" Bakura smirked.

"Yes, because if you give the response I think you're going to give I'll have a good reason to beat the living daylights out of you, and the unliving ones as well without feeling guilty. There's nothing like ending your day with being charged for GBH, purely because I can use the insanity plea. It's slightly true anyway."

"Slightly?" Bakura snorted in disbelief, letting Marik catch his breath. The captain appeared both rather confused and helpless. Why weren't these people cowering in fear already? He wasn't used to bilinguals.

Marik wasn't petrified with fear as he was too busy trying to beat Bakura repeatedly around the head. Bakura was too busy dodging while trying to keep up the 'alluring female' guise... It wasn't working.

A thought struck Bakura as he dodged Mariks' handbag again. Why hadn't it occurred to him earlier? Bakura stretched out one hand towards the captain.

"Mind Crush!"

Marik stopped his attack to look at the man jerking on the ground. "I thought only the Pharaoh could do that..." he commented, watching a rather interesting display of the more dramatic and painful convulsions the human body could go through without the spine snapping.

"Nope." Bakura replied nonchalantly, "Now, I suggest we get out of here before any more of these annoying policemen show up. They're worse than the Pharaoh's guards."

After the relatively minor encounter with the police Marik and Bakura decided that it wouldn't ruin the rest of their day.

Let the destructive rampage continue.

A further five sets of traffic lights, seven more road signs, a once rather nice display of flowers and a rather shiny motorbike later the van ground to a halt as Bakura slammed on the brakes.

"You baka!" Marik screamed hitting Bakura with his fists, "that's my motorbike you just killed!"

"Well you should have known better than leave it lying around unattended in the middle of the road!"

"It was parked, rather neatly if I do say so myself, at the side of the footpath," Marik deadpanned, "how is that anywhere near the middle of the road?"

"Well obviously you didn't park it close enough to the footpath, it was in my line of vision and that means it was in my path of destruction," Bakura defended his actions. Marik's eyebrow twitched.

'_Must. Resist. Urge. To. Strangle. Him.'_ Marik thought as he tried to fight the overwhelming urge to harm Bakura, after all he needed his help to track down some Steves. Once that was done he could extract his revenge on the albino git. Bakura watched Marik from the corner of his eye in case Marik attempted to maim him in any way. That earlier hit from his handbag had surprisingly hurt a lot and Bakura had no wish to repeat the experience any time soon. He was surprised however when he did nothing and merely told him to pull over.

Climbing out of the van Marik made his way back to his fallen motorbike and gently lifted it upright off the ground, dusting it off and gently caressing the scratched framework. Bakura could have sworn he heard him say "My poor baby, what has he done to you?"

Once he was finished loading the motorbike in the back of the van Marik climbed into the passenger seat and proceeded to point blanc ignore Bakura. Bakura however remained on high alert, slightly worried that Marik would attack him when he wasn't expecting it.

They remained in total silence for ten whole minutes until Marik broke the silence with a profound, insightful and truly original way to break an awkward silence.

"Ok I'm bored now."

"Well that lasted long," Bakura deadpanned.

"Yeah well I…look its Yusei Fudo! After him Parker!" Marik commanded.

"Yes mi'lady," Bakura growled sarcastically.

After performing a rather nifty handbrake turn Bakura floored the accelerator and raced off after Yusei. It really helped that their crappy van had a rather nice V8 engine under the bonnet despite its appearance.

After following him down a few streets with Bakura professionally drifting round the corner (Marik wasn't sure how he managed to do it in a van this size) they both realised the streets were getting narrower and the alley Yusei had just turned down wasn't wide enough to allow the van to pass.

"Damn we've lost him!" Marik slammed his fist on the steering wheel and Bakura's eyes widened.

"Don't do that you baka you'll set the airbag off!" Marik ignored him and continued talking.

"How are we going to catch him now?"

"Well you could always follow him on your motorbike while I wait somewhere else, and maybe challenge someone to a children's card game" Bakura muttered.

"What an excellent idea fluffy!" Marik exclaimed, "To the Marik-mobile!" He clambered into the back of the van. "Hey fluffy do you think I should wear my helmet or not? I mean I know it's good for safety but it might ruin my lovely hair and it took me an hour to wash it this morning using my Loreal shampoo and conditioner then half an hour to straighten it then another two to style it and…"

"Just. Go. After. Him," Bakura ground out through gritted teeth, "He's getting away."

"Crap! Get back here Fudo!" Marik exclaimed as he drove out the back of the back of the van as the doors magically burst open in a rather dramatic fashion.

Bakura just sighed as he watched Marik race off like Evel Knievel.

Marik zoomed down the alley after Yusei but he couldn't see him. He cursed his motorbike and its pathetic engine compared to the V8. Giving up he headed back to where he had left Bakura, hoping that the thief was still there. He was, rather surprisingly.

"I lost the lightning-haired, motorbike-riding git," Marik dully informed Bakura.

"That's hardly surprising seeing as you achieved the astonishing, mind-blowing speed of about 40mph," Bakura deadpanned.

"Well at least I won't be prosecuted for speeding, unlike some people," Marik muttered under his breath.

"Indeed quite the opposite," Bakura agreed, "in fact if you went any slower not only would your precious bike have toppled over and dumped your delicate body on the cold unforgiving pavement you would also have been prosecuted for kerb crawling."

Marik's jaw dropped, for once he was speechless. Bakura smirked. That had worked better than he had anticipated.

"You…think I would…rent boys…in dark alleys," Marik stuttered unable to believe what Bakura had just said.

"Well not so much rent boys you're maybe just a bit too effeminate for them, maybe someone who's more masculine is what you would need."

Marik's jaw opened and closed in the perfect imitation of a goldfish.

"You definitely need someone more masculine around" Bakura's features took a new expression, one Marik had only ever seen while reading his 'manga' under his bed-sheets in the middle of the night.

"Someone like me," Bakura sidled closer to the Egyptian.

Marik looked at him thoughtfully for a second.

"Bakura?"

By now, the albino was close enough to whisper into his ear. "Yes Marik?" he breathed, the warm air tickling the shell of the Tomb Keeper's ear. Marik's face turned four different shades of red and was getting darker by the millisecond.

"Fuck off"

"Remind me why we're looking for a motorbike repair shop?" Bakura asked after 10 minutes of driving around in circles.

"Because you ran over my bloody bike you stupid albino kitty." Marik retaliated angrily.

"Oh yeah..."

It was at this moment that the true villain of the scene chose to strike. As the truck slowed down while Bakura attempted to get Marik to put the knives away, the dark figure in a white waistcoat threw the truck door open and barged past Marik. He waved a gun wildly.

"Get in the back!" he screamed.

Bakura smirked, both hands coming in front of his chest, ready to activate the Millennium Ring. Mere milliseconds away from sending the gunman to the Shadow Realm, Bakura was pulled, roughly, into the back of the van. Bakura gritted his teeth against the pain and the annoyance he was currently feeling towards a near hysteric blonde.

"Looking for this?" the brunette asked from the front of the vehicle. He held the Millennium Rod in his non-gun wielding hand outside down. Noting the look of relief on Marik's face, the stranger promptly opened the window and through the priceless relic out of the van. Noticing the sun deprived kid's lack of restraints, he spoke up again.

"On a scale of one to ten how much do you want me to put a bullet through your head?"

"Ummm...ten?" Marik said tentatively. That was the one that meant you really didn't want it to happen, right? The gunman hit his head off the window as Marik turned his gaze to Bakura, looking for support that at any other time when he was thinking rationally he would have realised he would never get.

"Just hurry the hell up and tie him up!"

Trembling the entire time, Marik reached for a pair of handcuffs on the floor of the van and quickly clapped them around Bakura's wrists with a terrified speed..

The gunman looked at Marik with a mixture of sympathy and pity. Normally, his inner moral code prevented him from beating up the mentally retarded, but still, desperate times called for desperate measures...

While Marik looked at Bakura for support, the gunman looked for a handy blunt object. Marik's handbag was the closest to hand. Slowly, he brought the stylish piece up to a good height and brought it crashing down on top of the Eygptians' head.

Marik crumpled to the floor. Bakura looked in shock. The gunman himself looked rather guilty as he turned the car keys and reved the engine.

Silence reigned for several, pregnant seconds.

"Thank you." Bakura cleared his throat. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

Bakura took a deep breath and kicked Marik again, harder than before.

"But Mr Leprecon, I don't wanna go through the rainbow. I don't want to be a fairy."

"Too late for that I'm afraid Marik, now get your sorry ass up and out of this van."

"Bakura?" Marik's hazy eyes could just about make out the albino's fluffy hair above him.

"That's right sweet cheeks, now move yourself before this entire thing blows."

"What?"

"Van plus fire equals explosion. I know you don't know much chemistry, but surely even you realise that..."

(10 minutes later)

Two solitary figures stood on the hillside, they stood out against the orange glow of the raging fire in front of them. The flames reached to the early night stars, stretching and curling into the sky's inky blackness. A rather hypnotic sight, by anyone's standards...

"That damn bastard! We were getting on really well too, and then he had to go and do this!"

Well, except maybe by Bakura's.

"When I find him, I'll, I'll..."

"Make him pay for a new van?" Marik suggested

"... Among other things, yes." Bakura mentally sighed. _You don't know anything, do you?_

"Well..." Marik thought about it. "Personally, I'd make sure he really suffers. First, I'd track his sorry ass down, then I'd..."

An explosion tore through the air, follow by a second and a third, making sure the world never heard the most of Marik's musings. When Bakura could actually hear again, Marik was still talking.

"... And if he can walk after that, it'll be a god-damn miracle."

So, in conclusion- Plan Two: Fail.

**Iris: *blows dust off keyboard* This thing still works, after seven months? Wow...**

***face pales* Seven months... *Promptly pulls out phone* Artemis! We haven't updated Stevedar in seven months! We take even longer to work than LK does.**

**Artemis: I know...**

**Iris: Huh?**

**Artemis: I've been telling you we should update it for six months...**

**Iris: Really? B-but... if we update it now, anyone reading it just might kill us. **

**Artemis: I know, which is why you're doing it.**

**Iris: Wha...? *phone line goes dead* **

***looks nervous* Umm... Here's the update... and thanks for reading... and please don't kill me? There's cookies in it for you...**


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